yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
