Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
