hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
