last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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