I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
pop tarts are not kleenex
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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