My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize