he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
