I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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