margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
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