There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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