You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
