Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
