So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
These tits shall not be calmed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
