I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
