my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
