Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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