She is in my trunk
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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