I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
