life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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