just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
