I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
