dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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