i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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