I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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