just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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