OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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