Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
