just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
