They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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