woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
