If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
