Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
