Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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