Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
please don't ironically join a cult
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