the condom got lost in my hair
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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