I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
