Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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