She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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