I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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