If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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