If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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