You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
