I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
