I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
