and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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