I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
