It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
