It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
