I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
