I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
cat food counts as protein by the way
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Sorry my hands just texted you
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
