you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
