He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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