I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
