She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
