True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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