There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
