I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
