Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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