Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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