I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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