dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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