6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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