It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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