How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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