The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
